I'm just a normal human...so they think. I'm me but can pretend to be somebody i'm not. can i really hide what i feel and things i want to say? yes. can i do it easily? sometimes. I'm just a 22 year old with a lot to say and nobody to tell it to at times..but isn't that everyones story at one point or another?
Reading, writing, taking pictures, hanging out with friends/family are just a few things i like to do..
sometimes, i'm a mystery to the people who know me....
When i see you walk through the door I can’t help but smile…when you grin at me my heart flutters…I’d like nothing more to be in your arms, smiling up at you..maybe one of these days you’ll know that I care about you..
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
—Maya Angelou (via tylerknott)
(Source: fleurishes, via tylerknott)
welcome back, insomnia
i should be sleeping but my brain is keeping me up..my nap earlier after work probably didn’t help either, lol. i think today’s just one of those days. nah, i’m pretty sure it has been. i feel pretty good though..no soda, no candy, nothing really too bad for me..and its been about a week? or more? idk. for the 2nd time in about as many weeks or so, i’ve realized nobody lives forever..and in the blink of an eye, in one split second decision, lives can change..and end. the nobody lives forever thing i’ve known for years and years..but it really does hit you all over again. so many times i’ve wanted to reach out and hug somebody..and so many times, i don’t. i know im rambling but somehow i cant help it. i need to sort some jumbled thoughts/feelings out and maybe make sense of some things. lord knows i’m gonna need help making sense of my brain! more than a few people told me today that i’m just like my dad. it’s nice to hear, dont get me wrong. but they don’t know that they’re twisting a knife in my heart that may never ever come out. most days you can breathe, and be normal and happy. some days you just want to curl up in a ball, get mad, cry, scream, and get him back. i’m glad to have had my dad, and had the chance to know him, love him for 22 years, take care of him, and just have him. some people don’t even have that. memories can ease the pain a bit..but nobody ever said it was easy. i’ve been told it’ll be okay, after a while you won’t hurt or won’t cry anymore. well, i think its a lie. sometimes, when im in a bad mood, i think these people are just trying to help and they arent..but i’m always going to miss him. it may not always hurt, i may not always cry. but the loss will always be there. there will always be a missing piece of my heart that won’t come back. i love my dad, i’ll never forget him. somebody i know told me the same thinrs agg. she lost her mother 3 years ago and she told me the same thing i think. “the pain gets easier to bear, but you’ll always miss him. there are going to be things that make you smile when you think of him, and cry. things won’t go back to normal, but they’ll settle into a new normal and you’ll still live. and you’ll always remember him” and so on. she’s right. i have good days, and bad days.when things go wrong..i wish i could run into his room and talk to him and hear his laugh. hear him tell me he loves me. i have a voiceimail on my phone from him from the day of my accident, on my birthday. i think he knew something had happen. i think his dad instincts kicked in. he called almost right after the accident, and wanted to make sure i was okay, i’d been gone awhile. i miss his voice, i miss everything about him. but he’s in a better place and i have people i can lean on when i feel i can’t be strong like everyone needs me to be. sometimes i break down, sometimes i get mad. but always, i love him more than anyone. it hurts i won’t have him to walk me down the aisle, to dance the father/daughter dance with if i ever get married. but i know he’ll be there with me, in my heart and in spirit. there isn’t a day that goes by that i dont think of you, dad…
Good Intentions
i worked this morning, then went to the store to get parts of my supper. with all good intentions, i planned on changing out of my work clothes and getting some of this awful, awful room cleaned and my clean clothes put away. and now, i’ve checked my facebook, turned on my music, and now i’m blogging. I don’t feel like doing anything I should, but I do know it needs to be done. I found my dad’s picture on a lady’s facebook. She used to be a teacher at the school he graduated from and she posts all of the pictures of students who went to that school. it was a kick in the stomach to see my dad’s picture on there..especially in color. i’m the one who took the picture and it gets me every single time i see it. the picture was taken before he got real sick, so he still had all of his weight and color and (for the most part) health. it makes me miss him more than ever. but, he’s better off and i need to keep telling myself that although it does no good. it never is good to dwell on the sad things. my birds are talking to me, which must mean they think i should stop sitting around and do something productive. i think maybe i should listen to them!
Out With The Old, In With The Unwanted New
i’m back and forth..on and off…today I’m just lost. i wish i could express everything i’m feeling adequately but for some reason words are not my strong suit..on and off the computer. my dad passed away christmas day, which explains a lot of my sadness/mood swings/despair/depression. pick a day, and apply whichever. i wish people would quit telling me he’s better off. yes,he is better off..he’d been sick for a long time. but it just isn’t the same without him. i’m not saying i’d be selfish and wish him back here to the state he was in, or anything. i’m glad he’s not suffering anymore and he’s better off. but i just want people to consider what it’s like for me, for us..his family. nobody takes the time to really stop and talk to us, or see behind our lies. mine and my moms anyway. every day getting out of bed is a struggle. for a long time, and still half the time now i can’t bring myself to get out of bed and do anything. i don’t feel like i have a purpose anymore. i quit school, i stopped going out with friends..everything i liked. i stopped, to take care of my dad. i dont regret a minute of it, cause i still did things when it was possible. but i would have rathered been home. i love my dad with all my heart and soul. i wouldn’t change anything i gave up/missed. he needed me, and that was that. i had a set schedule with dad, especially the last 6 months or so..and that was my saving grace. somebody needed me! and now he’s gone..and i dont know what to do with myself. my amazing boyfriend has been there through it all with me. i don’t know if i could have made it this far without him. the poor guy has been through so so much with me, starting with my accident on my birthday, not even 3 weeks after we started dating. all that is for another story though..this is getting long and i’m exhausted..i haven’t been sleeping right lately but i know why..and i know i’m going to have nightmares tonight..
sweet dreams everyone!!
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.
—Erica Jong (via kari-shma)
(Source: kari-shma, via quote-book)
I. Hate.Tears
Lies
Everyone always asks me how I am. My standard reply? “I’m fine”. That’s my standard lie. I don’t think many see through it as a lie. If they do, they don’t say a word. Maybe it’s easier that way? I’m getting good at this lying stuff…I can usually pull it off and act like it’s all normal in front of the one person I really need to convince. My dad. I can’t ever let him see me hurt like i am. I can’t let anybody see it, really. So the charade goes on! :)
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
